Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Suck

So, first off, I'm slightly intoxicated here...yea, that's a good preface. When I'm this way my internal filter between my brain and my mouth (or in this case, my hands) shuts down. So, this is unfiltered, whatever I'm thinking at the moment, Ian's Mind.

Anyway, for the past few months I've been actively trying to find someone compatible to date. I've been single for over a year now but that was totally by choice. I got out of a long, long relationship with my ex-fiancé and had no interest what-so-ever with the opposite gender. This slowly faded over the past whatever, or so, and a while back I decided that my heart had healed enough and I was ready to find love again. Oh, yeah, the reason it took so long is I still love my ex, I mean, I wouldn't have asked her to marry me if I hadn't been prepared to commit to loving her no matter what. Unfortunately, that wasn't enough and, even though I loved her, she didn't feel the same for me. So, I broke it off. Yeah. Suck.

Anyway, so a little while back I decided to stop passively looking for people to date (a good idea since I think about the only person of the opposite gender that I didn't already know I'd usually meet at a paintball game and it's hard to ask someone out when you're shooting them with little gelatin balls traveling at over 200 miles per hour. My other hobbies (golf, video games, flying, reading, bowling, Na'vi, DnD, etc) and my work (which you've already seen) don't really include any interaction with the opposite gender, or any gender for that matter). So, yeah, I decided to find people rather than let people come to me.

Now, I'm not a shy person, mostly just a quiet person. However, I can be forward and friendly to strangers so I usually do well at bars and parties, and that's where I started. There's a couple of good bars around town and I've been hanging out at a few of them on a regular basis and the times I've been there were a lot of fun. I met lots of really cool people, made a bunch of friends, got tons of numbers, and was having a great success.

Fast-forward 2 months and here I am. Still single. Frankly, all the people I meet there are great friends but I just have little to no interest in dating them. They're either losers, or taken, or boring, or just not someone I could ever be with.

Anyway, the whole reason I'm writing this is I seriously am considering joining a dating site. I cringe just thinking about it, but the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. I mean, bars, clubs, and whatever are mostly going to be full of losers, nobodies, people already with someone, or desperate people. I don't belong there. Now, I'm a engineer, nerd, and generally left-brained person. The logical side of me is telling me that I should do this because it's efficient, simple, and easy. Hell, probably cheaper too. As much as I love a good drink, spending $20 at a bar each week does tend to add up.

So, yeah, I'm basically torn between going back to my passive search of hoping to meet the right someone through normal social interaction (unlikely) or try a dating site (which I'm half expecting to be full of fakers and the other half full of losers) but, hell it's worth a try, right?

Anyway, that's my question. Am I making sense here? Or should I continue the "traditional" dating routine of meeting people at bars, parties, and other social gatherings?

Anyway, reading this over again this seems ridiculous but, frankly, I have nobody else at the moment to really talk to and I know I'm not thinking clearly enough to make sense of all this. I'm half tempted to delete this right now, and probably will in the morning. Hell, this probably makes me sound like some loser, lonely dude which couldn't be farther from the truth. Fuck, I have so many friends in one way I'm glad a few of them moved away recently, gives me a little more free time to myself. But, still, I'm a ladies man (if you pardon the expression). I enjoy loving someone and being loved by them. I miss that connection and, while desperate is the last thing I am, I sure do miss it.

Damn, I think I need a vacation or something. I've become way too emotional over the past few weeks. Blah, usually I can contain these emotions but lately I've been so sappy I make myself sick.

Okay, I'm rambling now. Whatever, I'm just going to click "post" without reading this rant. I'll read it in the morning and decide if I should delete this or not.

Whatever.

Muffins.

Thanks for reading I guess.

I'm gonna go play some video games before bed.

P.S. Firefox spellchecker is my friend. Yay.

P.P.S. I know, I need to post some videos. I've got like 4 coming, 2 paintball, 1 Ian's Mind, and the first episode of Harrison's Mind. They're coming. Despite all this rambling I am actually getting some work done on them. I guess that's one advantage of being single. Now, if only I could get rid of my crappy commute I'd have tons of free time.

P.P.P.S. While I was at the bar I came up with some ideas for my story. Yay.

P.P.P.P.S. Yeah, maybe Cyh's got the right idea. Maybe I should just say "fuck this shit" and work on videos and stories. It sounds like a lot of fun.

P.P.P.P.P.S. Wow, this is fucking long....my bad.

40 comments:

  1. Come on Ian. You just need to look deep inside you and get over this quietness and ask someone out. (I'm one to talk, I've been single since I was 18. But let's not go there) Plus, reading this worries me.

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  2. lol, dude it's not a matter of asking people out. I've asked plenty of people out but either they're already in a relationship, they're not interested, or I'm not interested.

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  3. I agree with the post in most senses, but I personally refuse to go onto a dating site. It's waaaay too risky for my tastes. I've had rubbish luck when it comes to dating, because everyone who's been somewhat suitable has been taken. Kinda lamesauce really but meh. I do rather miss the companionship that comes with a relationship, but at the same time, I have no idea how much of Parker's Mind I'd actually have done if I wasn't single so it's been good for the most part.

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  4. I was just talking with Simon, and suggested that he do a drunken episode of Parker's Mind. Not fake-drunk, but genuinely drunk! We thought that'd be hilarious! He'd be missing all his shots and have trouble controlling the mouse... Ha, I reminds me when I got drunk for the first (and only) time. I found everything so ridiculously hilarious, the room was spinning, and I couldn't tell if everything that was happening was a dream or not. Luckily, the party was just down the street from my house, so I managed to walk/stumble home in time for 2 AM. Or 3 AM if you count the hour I spent crying outside my house for some reason....

    Ian, I said the same thing to Cyh, I consider you a friend. As such, I hate to see you do something you'll probably regret later. Do you really want to give away your pride and join the ranks of the people on plentyoffish or eHarmony? To me that seems like bottom-of-the-bottom... But I can see what you're getting at, although... Maybe I don't. I mean, my only relationship started back in January and ended in March with a girl that had problems... Internally. I say that in the most literal sense.

    I can really identify. I've been unhappy with my situation for the past 3 years (minus those 2 months), I've just accepted the fact I'm hopeless in every way and should just live with it. Just look at my primary hobby. What kind of self-respecting female who cares about her social life would associate with a guy who does *this* with ALL of his spare time?! As sad as it sounds, I suppose it's helped. I don't feel as... "desperate" as before. I am a pretty depressed that my internet life is indeed better then my fucking wasted real life, but at this point I've just reached an indifferent numbness. Some days I wish was never born.

    Anyway, I think you should hold out with the regular hobbies. Hell, at least you ACTUALLY paintball, golf, fly, read, bowl, etc. I am the most boring person I know. I really am a 1-dimensional character. You certainly have a better chance at finding someone then me. You're actually PERSON.

    Hold out until you make it, or wait for that uncaring numbness. Whatever comes first. Just don't sink to the final low. That's for the never-gonna-find-anyone losers like me. You're better then that.

    I think it's good that you posted this, despite being a little under the influence of alcohol... Sure it's a little public for something so personal, but I was told that it's good to write what you're feeling. Maybe I should do more of that.

    I've given my opinion, but ultimately, the decision is up to you. You're a hell of a guy Ian, and whatever you feel is the right choice, I'll support.

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  5. Ian, to answer your question, I don't feel you should join a dating site. Most of the ads I've looked at were very strange and Alex, a friend of mine, recently tried using a dating site (I forget which one) and it ended with him getting hurt.

    I haven't had the best luck with women over the course of my life. My first girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend) used me for my money.

    Having said that, my personal feelings on this subject is that you should look around for a girl that you like in person from your various activities and even work if you want to(the work one may not be good depending on the type of environment). Talk with her, hang out with her with friends and then if you like what you see and she appears to like you, then try dating her. The best relationships usually work if the two people involve love to share their activities with each other and love to share their time with each other. That was one thing I learned from my ex. We didn't like the same things, we didn't like spending time together (at least a lot of time).

    As Curtis and a few others have said, the choice is up to you. You have to do what you feel is right. You have the support of great friends like Simon, Curtis, and Sarah (who I just realized was Cyh's real name lol). Everyone who talks with you and who posts here can only advise you on what you might want to do.

    I only have a rough idea on what kind of person you are (derived from the blog posts and the videos), but from what I've seen and heard, you are a very good person. :-)

    Whatever you choose to do, I'm sure it will work out well for you. :-)

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  6. Listen to Corky, Ian! Don't be like him! Lol, just kidding. Honest to God though. I can't be much help here 'cause I'm kinda a "Lone Wolf" so to speak. The only thing I'm going to be different about is I'm going to say that E-Harmony is the ONLY dating site that seems legit. But again, I'm not a dating person

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  7. P.S.

    Sorry, I meant to say, Simon, Robin, Curtis, and Sarah.

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  8. Thanks guys. I re-read my post just now and I'm actually amazing how concise and clear it was. I should have tried writing my college capstone project drunk, might have been easier. :P

    Anyway, you guys have convinced me to at least do further research on dating sites before trying it. I'm going to look to see if people actually have success with them. At the very least, it wouldn't kill me to try it though you guys have pretty much convinced me that, like the Maine nightlife, it will probably be full of people that I don't really care to be with.

    I guess the problem with the traditional approach with me, which worked great in high-school and college, is that my current lifestyle and hobbies don't let me meet ANYONE, I don't meet people at work, I don't meet people golfing (at least my age), I don't meet people flying (at least my age), I've meet a few women playing DnD but they were already taken or not for me, and it goes on and on. Basically all my hobbies are one person only hobbies so I rarely meet people that share my interests. Bowling is slightly different, maybe I should try that more often and try to talk to new people that way.

    Anyway, thanks for the advice guys, even though it was nothing encouraging it made me feel better.

    P.S. I've considered doing a drunk episode. It would probably be hilarious except I rarely drink to the point that I lose motor control or my ability to think somewhat clearly.

    P.P.S. To you people just starting to become of the age to drink, don't drink to get drunk and if you do drink a fair amount drink plenty of water. Alcohol severely dehydrates your body and that's mostly what makes you groggy in the morning. Also, if you get hangovers having drunk some water the night of the drinking help speeds the bodies ability to process the alcohol. Bread helps too, and don't drink heavily on an empty stomach (or a full one).

    P.P.P.S. DON'T DRINK DEPRESSED OR ANGRY! It just makes things worse. My experience is alcohol amplifies any mood, so if you're happy you'll become really happy, but if you're sad you'll become really sad. Not good.

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  9. @Corky

    Yeah a drunk mind would be absolutely genius

    @Ian

    I honestly can't help you here, but I just have to warn you that you should think about something very carefully before you do it.

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  10. @Gaarathedamnyournameislong: I always do.

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  11. Looks like everyone else pretty much covered it.
    Either way, I'll be praying for you.

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  12. Ack! Don't say that! That makes it sound really hopeless if I require divine intervention to find a date. :P

    Just kidding, thanks. I really shouldn't complain. My life is excellent in almost every way, I can live without a love life.

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  13. @Ian: You would be surprised what you will see further down the road. Sometimes it branches off in weird directions, sometimes a interesting thing will drive along side you, and sometimes even, a path that strayed off before will swing back around again. Maybe later in the future, you go to a a paintball match and a pretty girl comes within site. You talk with her and you two then hang out.

    What I'm trying to say is that no one can at least with a certainty predict the future. You would be surprised what opportunities may present themselves later on in life.

    In the mean time, just play it cool. :-)

    Also, sorry if my little ramblings got a little too philosophical.

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  16. Also, it ain't hopeless at all, it just requires patience. All good things come with time.

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  17. Wow, this really resonates with me. I'm not as old as you Ian, but my last girlfriend left me for someone else, i'm rather shy and since then i've been unwilling to move on. Like everyone else has said, I don't recommend joining a dating site, but we are all thinking of you. Be George Mcfly and get the girl!

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  18. Wait a minute, Ian, you're famous, so why aren't you getting daily marriage proposals from adoring Youtube fangirls? :P

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  19. @Ian
    I says you're not, or, atleast I hope you're, that would be extremely creepy

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  20. I remember from the "Meeting of the Minds" that Ian had at least one girl following him on YouTube.

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  21. Yeah, me and Robin had one girl that was flirting with us hardcore. But, no, aside from that I don't get any obvious advances from the mind videos.

    I actually get a lot more attention though the various pictures I've posted on learnavi.org (a bunch of "you're cute"'s and "you look handsome"'s and such).

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  22. I'm very aesexual because I feel relationships are hopeless bottomless pits into eternal unhappiness that is brought upon with overly dramatic attitudes and a seriousness that is beyond normality. I choose that all females are not worth my time. I have one good friend who's a girl, but I laugh at the idea of a relationship.

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  23. @Noob: A Cessna 172 usually. I really need to get back into flying, I've spent all my money this year on new toys and trips and cars so I haven't been flying in a few years.

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  24. @Ian: I'm guessing some of that experience went into the flight scene in the finale of Barney's Mind. I mean, at least with knowing the start up procedure for the plane.

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  25. You should just join the dark side. It's nice over here. There are brief relapses, but the writing always makes it better. *smirk* Plus, it'll be a pleasant surprise when you actually do stumble across someone. (For you. For me I'd be paranoid and intentionally sabotage any chances I might have...*shudder* I have trust issues. Big ones.)

    Then again I'm asocial and remarkably misanthropic, so what works for me might not necessarily work for you. Just make sure you're having fun--nothing is worth suffering over.

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  26. @Cyh: Well, that's what I did for about 8 months after my break up and, while definitely enjoyable, I love being in love and wouldn't give up that type of connection for anything.

    However, your plan of joining the darkside until I meet that right someone is probably the best but also the least efficient. I'm lazy though and have wayyyyy too many hobbies so that's probably what I'll do. Temporary dark side for me then, I guess.

    As for yourself, I feel that you're probably right and yet I don't. The logical side of me agrees totally and thinks that, given how hurt you've been in the past it probably best since, in my experience, it just hurts more the next time (and there would probably be a next time).

    Then again, the emotional side of me thinks that eventually you will and should find someone who you can trust. If you do, I hope that you take things slowly and only let that person in as much as you can and no more. I'm sure it will be very hard on that other person but if they can understand how vulnerable you would be then it could work. I guess it just seems to me that, out of almost everyone I know, you could use someone to love and trust implicitly more than anything else.

    But, that's just me. If it works for you and makes you happy then that's what counts. I totally agree that if you're suffering from something then it's not a good thing.

    Also, for saying you're asocial and misanthropic you seem like the exact opposite online. :P

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  27. Well... With certain people, that is...

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  28. @Illiterateguy: What with certain people? What statement were you responding to?

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  29. Ouch. That was just mean...

    She can be pretty nasty to the dumbasses who comment on the videos 24/7, meaning she's the opposite of what you say she is (ironically which is opposite) to certain people.

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  30. In RL I'm actually quite bubbly and happy and very chatty, until I am alone with someone I don't know at all (unless they talk to me first). I guess I scare a lot of people off with my eccentricness :P

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  31. @Sillyguythatrefusestoreadforsomereason:

    :P Just kidding.

    And, yea, Cyh can, but they totally deserve it.

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  32. Undoubtedly. I show the same hotheadedness to the dumbasses that post on my videos too. Particularly the ones the go crazy when I bring a new weapon skin into the series and demand to know where I got it.

    Hey! At least I'm reading something now!

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  33. oh man, am I getting sick of being asked if the series is over every time I release an episode for the last three episodes...

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  34. No, I will own a plane some day, but for now I rent them.

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  35. I cant wait till i get my pilots license.

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  36. @Ian: Ah, I'll be fine. I've been this way for the past........

    ......*sucking at math*....

    ....six years. Twenty-two minus sixteen equals six...right? ARGH! Where's the calculator?!

    Okay, it's six.

    And even before that I was still remarkably leery of people in general. Bad combo, indeed.

    As for the assertion that I'm a misanthrope, I draw a distinct line between people I know and trust, and everybody else. Everybody else gets one (essentially fake) version of me, and people I know get varying levels of the real me. People who irritate me at first impression usually get Psycho Bitch me...forever. Rarely do I reevaluate. It's the trust thing all over again.

    People who read my work only get the part of me that dreams, though. Essentially, I break everything down into logical, scientific terms. Emotional stuff just screws me up ad nauseam (literally)--I leave that for television and writing, where I can analyze from an objective POV. You're lucky to have an emotional side to work with. Mine's kinda...wonky. All I've got is pure, unadulterated logic.

    The Masterminds are in the good category, hence my being nice to everyone. *chuckle*

    @Theguywhoonlyreadsonestorybutsinceit'smineI'mtotallycoolwiththat: D'awww! I'm so proud of you for reading! XD Actually, considering how little you like to read, your writing level is better than most adults. O_O; Weird how that works.

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  37. Hey, maybe you'll meet a girl at paintball and it'll be "love at first shot." lol

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